Grey Divorce and the Effects on your Children

Years ago, deeply engrossed in the challenging pursuit of a degree in Thanatology, a pivotal conversation with my therapist unfolded, redirecting the course of my life. We delved into the intricate topic of divorce, a subject that resonated profoundly with me, given that it had occupied my thoughts for an extended period. My therapist, noting a recurring pattern, pointed out that divorces often emerged around the 20 to 25-year mark of marriage, coinciding with the age when children transition into late adolescence or young adulthood. This juncture, she explained, presented couples with the stark reality of either growing apart or reaching a breaking point.

I distinctly remember discussing my commitment with my aunt, firmly stating, "I am determined to stay in this marriage until my children start their post-secondary education." Despite my studies in Thanatology, I, like many others, clung to the belief that their maturity would shield them from the disruptive aftermath of a divorce. However, I was acutely aware that the environment they were in was far from healthy.

Foreseeing the challenges, my aunt candidly declared, "There's no way you're going to make it that long." She was correct; I didn't. I made the difficult decision to separate when my children were 13 and 15 - a challenging age to make such a choice. Nonetheless, I summoned the courage to leave, determined to create a healthier and less toxic life for my children.

What struck me in that conversation was the assumption that once kids grow up, we often think our children are somehow shielded from the impact of divorce. The reality is, that divorce is a significant event with lasting effects that extend beyond just the younger ones in the family. Recent statistics reveal that 16.4% of divorces involve marriages of 25 years or more, and 42% occur in marriages lasting between 10 and 24 years. While it's acknowledged that divorce does affect children, especially in high-conflict situations, the idea that young adults come out unscathed is incorrect. Challenges and grief persist, emphasizing the need for a thorough understanding of the impact of divorce on individuals of all ages.

How are Young Adults Affected by Their Parents' Divorce?

Emotional Impact and Fear for the Future

Divorce exerts a significant emotional impact on young adults. They may grapple with feelings of guilt, believing their parents stayed together for their sake. Additionally, many fear they may follow in their parents' footsteps and experience an unhappy marriage of their own. These emotional challenges are prevalent among young adults contemplating their futures while considering the implications of their parents' divorce.

Holiday Struggles

Young adults often find holidays more difficult to navigate. They may feel torn between spending time with both parents, leading to emotional challenges as they try to balance their commitments. 

Changing Relationships with Parents

Divorce can reshape the relationships young adults have with their parents. Research shows that daughters often become closer to their mothers during a divorce, while sons may hear negative comments about their fathers, potentially straining the father-son relationship.

Impact on Intimate Relationships

The effects of divorce don't stop at the relationship with parents; they can also affect a young adult's intimate relationships. Divorce can make them more cautious and realistic about marriage, which may lead to a more cautious approach to romantic relationships. They may often think will I end up like my parents in an unhappy marriage? 

Coping with Stress and Burden

Divorce can lead to stress and burden for young adults, as they may feel caught in the middle of their divorcing parents. Coping with their parents' divorce while simultaneously managing their own lives and relationships can be overwhelming.

Parents using their adult children as their support person 

Divorced parents frequently view their young adult children as capable adults and may unintentionally depend on them as a primary support system throughout the divorce. It is crucial for adults undergoing a divorce to avoid burdening their children with such responsibilities. Just as with younger children, adult children of divorce should not be caught during their parents' disputes. It is essential for divorcing parents to seek their emotional support resources rather than relying on their adult children for this role.

Young Adults in a Critical Stage of Development

Young adults are in a critical stage of development. At this stage, they are slowly shedding their childhood and trying to figure out what type of adults they want to become. Additionally, this is when many intimate relationships begin. For many young adults, the divorce of their parents can bring great pain and grief. Some may view the divorce as shattering their whole idea of family and childhood. In response, young adults may reject the option of marriage, becoming critical of their partner selection and cynical about the institution itself.

Providing Support

Understanding the challenges young adults face in the aftermath of a divorce is the first step toward providing support. Here are some ways to help your young adult children:

• Communication: Avoid discussing your dating life or using your adult children as a support system for your divorce. Respect their boundaries and focus on maintaining a healthy parent-child relationship.

• Professional Help: For those who find it challenging to cope, consider seeking professional support or therapy. It can be a valuable resource for dealing with the emotional fallout of divorce.

• Open Dialogue: Maintain open communication about the divorce. Share the news of your divorce with them in person, as opposed to through text, email, or third parties.

• Emotional Resources: Ensure you have emotional resources outside of your children to lean on for support during and after the divorce.

Divorce has a profound impact on young adults, influencing their emotions, relationships, and perspectives on marriage. While the effects can be challenging, it's important to remember that most young adults emerge from divorce with resilience and the capacity to lead fulfilling lives. Acknowledging their experiences and providing appropriate support is crucial to helping them navigate this complex phase of their lives. Young adults may be the "forgotten children" of divorce, but with understanding and care, they can find their way forward.